I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time
That you’re the worst person I’ve ever met
I’ve never regretted meeting anyone before
But I wholeheartedly regret meeting you
You have never cared about me or loved me
For god’s sake, instead of cuddling with me in bed
You insist on staying downstairs on your laptop
To watch porn and iMessage a bunch of dudes I’m sure
You are selfish
And are willing to hurt me TWICE because YOU got something good out of it
I’m not sure what the point is of having me in your web of lies
But I’m fucking through with it.
You don’t deserve me
The fact that you think you do is sickening
You don’t deserve anything from me
You don’t deserve anyone being honest with you ever
Because if this is how you treat someone you LOVE
And someone who is your “best friend”
Then you are one shitty person
Go ahead and sleep peacefully
Because obviously you have nothing on your mind
It doesn’t bother you that I’m awake
Crying
Or sad or depressed
You’re sleeping like a fucking baby
You think that doing material things for me is enough
But how could you blame me for going to John?
You are no where there for me emotionally
You make me feel second to everything else in your life
You would rather text than actually hang out with me
It hurts to see how rarely you text me back when you’re out
And then to see how quick you text back other people when you’re with me
You dont make me feel special
You actually make me hate myself
I wish I could trust you
But you are doing nothing to win that back
Doing things for me doesn’t show that I should trust you
It just shows that you don’t have a mind of your own to think of your own way to fix things
So you just listen to me.
Or maybe you just don’t care enough to think of a plan by yourself.
You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met
You will wake up one day and realize that lust is temporary
And that you sacrificed a real relationship with a trustworthy girl who truly loved you,
For some steamy text messages and having strangers oggle at you.
Imagine how much that must hurt me:
That you were willing to lie and deceive me just to get attention from some guys you don’t even know
While I was there giving you everything, every ounce of attention and love and time that I could
And you didn’t think any of it was worth it
How do you explain that action to me?
Exactly. You can’t.
So you can’t get frustrated with me
When I say that it’s hard for me to trust you
Look At what you’ve done to me.
Really look at it.
You have torn my soul in half
I feel like I don’t have anyone to trust
The year and a half of our “relationship” was a lie
You knew it would hurt me
You did it anyways
And that’s how I know that you never really loved me
Because you could never do something like that to someone you really love.

It suddenly dawned on me that I dont want you to be happy. Hearing your voice and how you didn’t even seem happy to hear from, just cocky like you expected me to call was a slap in the face. It’s obvious I cared more. I teared up just hearing your voice and you were fucking fine. You dont miss me. I want you to find someone you love and have your heart fucking crushed. I want someone to you with your emotions and mess you up like you did to me. You are fine and I’m a wreck on the inside. You never cared about me.

Today marks my fresh start.

New phone number. New hair cut. New outlook. New me.

Everything will be alright. It will get easier.

This is what happens when we run away with reality and forget to create and pretend sometimes.

I grew complacent and forgot how to live.

I’ve created such a huge wall around myself that I’m afraid to be anything but serious. I have to remind myself that I’m surrounded by people who I don’t need to protect myself from. Not everyone is out to hurt me, and it’s okay to let down my guard.

-Finally going down to the courts at my internship

-Watching my niece and nephew grow each day

-School starting in a month and busying myself/ meeting new people

-Picking up my lil brho

-Taking a more active role in my sorority and joining the pre-law fraternity

-Living with my parents again so I can save my money and not worry about rent

-Mending friendships with those who I have so wrongfully neglected for the sake of a stupid boy

-Focusing on myself

-Taking a sign language class

-Starting to go running

-Prepping for the GRE and/or LSAT and working towards that future that I’ve worked so hard for

-Moving on

I’m thinking about jailbreaking my phone just so I can get iBlacklist and never get your calls again.

My second option is to switch numbers, but that seems like so much of a hassle to avoid one, small, meaningless, selfish individual.

Did you really just ask me why it’s okay for ME to go out and not okay for you? Are you really making it out to seem like I go out all the time while YOU are the one sitting and waiting for ME?

F*** OFF. I’m passed the point of self pity or crying over ice cream and a chick flick. I’m just angry. Pissed beyond any limits I believed existed.

Let’s get one thing straight: anything I do for my sorority is a RESPONSIBILITY. I HAVE to go because I’m Active and MEASURES are enforced. Think about the last time I actually went out to hang out with my sisters just because I WANTED to, because I can’t think of a time.

I didn’t see Helen all weekend because I hung out with YOU. I missed my Twin and Pledge Mom’s BIRTHDAYS to hang out with YOU. I literally lost David and Kendrick, my two BEST friends, because I blew them off for you, and look where it’s left me? If it seemed like I went out a lot it’s because I did things when I knew you were BUSY (i.e. at work, in California, at band practice, etc.). The MINUTE you were free, I would be at your side. If I even had plans, I would CANCEL them for YOU, and you didn’t even have to ask. Everytime you canceled something for me it’s because I cried or you reluctantly asked, “Well, do you want to hang out instead?” I know that I don’t have much time, that’s why I spend every time you were free with YOU, and didn’t really mind hurting those close to me because I wanted to spend that rare time with YOU. YOU, on the other hand, would purposefully make plans when you knew I was free. YOU know as well as anybody how packed my schedule is, and you never took advantage of the time I had. You never appreciated the fact that I literally isolated myself from EVERYONE just to be with you, and now I’m paying the consequences for it.

And are you so thick-headed and dim-witted that you think it’s really just about THAT? About me being able to have “fun” and you not? You can go out and do whatever you want. The bottom line is that I don’t fucking trust you. I didn’t believe you went to a concert the other night and for all I know you were shagging some random person you met on Craigslist last night. That’s the reason I get angry and freak out. Not because I don’t want you to have “fun” time, but because I really just don’t trust you.

You are poison. Honestly. You are like this acid that runs through my veins and detracts me from thinking like a level-headed person. You have turned me into a cynical and angry person, and now I realize that I just have to get away from you if I ever want to better myself.

I had lunch with the Nevada Attorney General. We talked about law school, and Nevada economic problems, and iPhones and her trip to Argentina and oh, it was magical.

Internship: totally worth it.

If I have to do another legal memorandum I might just throw my hands in the air and yell “fuck it world!” Then walk out real sassy.

If I were a feistier person, this might be realistic. Alas, I am not.

I guess I’ll just continue working then.

I’ve taken to theming my work days at the AG’s office. Friday was Mumford and Sons. Monday was the Killers.

Today is a Beatles kind of day.

Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.

The days don’t seem as long.